the reason why i always feel bad

i never seem to make her happy. ive made her cry so many times, and everytime, it gets harder and harder to bare with. i just want to see her be happy. but i can never seem to achieve that. and because of that, i feel bad and that makes her feel bad too. i just focus on the negative too much. its not like i want to, i just do. all of this is my fault, and everytime we fight over this, i feel as though its slowly affecting both of us. i dont want it to, cause i dont want to lose some like her. i love her, and i want to marry her

i dont know how to feel

i really dont know how i feel about all of this. i want to just run away and forget about everything

Right now, i feel like a stranger to her

last night, we had a fight. well sort of. i dont really know what happened, but on the phone she had suddenly burst out into rage and hung up on me. now the next morning, she didnt bother to message me and she seems different towards me. i feel so much guilt for something i dont know that if i did. im no stranger to this feeling. i felt it for 2 years straight in secondary school, but that doesnt mean im used to it or numb to it. it still affects me to no ends. its so unlike her. and i dont know what to do.

the rule i seem to unwillingly live by. SIS

this problem. it will always bug me. and after consultation with my good friends, it seems like it is something that would bug most guys, so it isnt just me. but it just seems to be a problem that i have to deal with for her. i dont have any other choice. it will continue to bug me for a long time. im sure. but all i can do is SIS, suffer in silence.

Its still bothering me

The other day, my girlfriend and I were talking about her upcoming trip to Australia to meet her friends as it was on of their birthdays. then she asked me a single question that made me feel like shit, " what if she wants to go clubbing on her birthday? i thought you dont allow." that single sentence made me feel like shit beyond bounds. i never said i didnt allow her to do anything that she wanted. she just assumed this because i guess you could say im a bit "insecure", if you will, about my girls. i dont know. im just not used to all these somewhat normally meaningless gestures. i have a feeling that im uncomfortable with these gestures because i dont normally do them and i dont know, they seem to hold a certain value to me. these gestures are things i would normally only think of doing with my girlfriend, and when i see other guys doing it to my girl, like putting their hand around their shoulder for example, it annoys the hell out of me. i dont know why, but it just does. i dont want it to but what can i do? its not like i want it to. i would love it if it didnt. whats more is that she doesnt know how to react to such situations so then she just lets the person continue doing it, and it doesnt inspire much confidence in me. i know she will never cheat on me, and i do trust her. but either way, it still will annoy me. and with that, thats how she came to the conclusion that i didnt allow her to go clubbing. and even though that comment was made quite a few days ago, its still bugging me and i feel like a horrible controlling boyfriend, but thats not what i had meant to do. this sucks, and i feel horrible and lost as to what to do now. maybe im not cut out for this, and maybe she deserves someone better whos more open to these kinds of things, but i dont even want to think about that

maybe i'm not cut out for it yet.

I dont know. maybe im not cut out to be attached yet. I can never seem to make her happy, and we always seem to end up fighting. she always says that its her fault but i know shes just to kind to say its my fault cause i know it is. it hurts to know that i am always making her worried or sad or angry, and i dont mean to. i lover her so much and i just want her to be happy. but i dont know. i dont seem to be able to do that. maybe shes better off without me. so many things are running through my mind right now and i cant seem to put them all into words. I dont know what to feel about this, and i dont know what to do. i hate seeing her like this, and i need help. what do i do?

Blind anger and rage

Theres absolutely no point in getting angry with things that have already happened and that you cant change. Think about it, what can you do even if you do get angry? break something? get into a fight? it doesnt matter what you do, cause either way its not gonna change the past. it is what it is. i do admit i am occasionally guilty of what i am preaching. its human nature to get angry over things. but only boys get angry and do stupid things without thinking it through. whereas men feel the anger and rage boiling inside, but they learn to let it go and forget about it cause it aint gonna change whats already happened. 

it may sound stupid that i am getting angry over this asshole that she used to like and did things with. but i have a valid anger for him. cause even though she liked him at that time, he liked her best friend. even still when he liked her, he still fooled around with her. ( as i write this, the anger is slowly growing inside. i can feel it) then he suddenly cut her off and then got with the best friend. leaving her in the dark and left with so many questions.

now this is where i reasons come it. i dont like him, not because he fooled around with her, but because he did it when he supposedly liked her friend. hes a fucking bastard with a lack of moral values. and she has to go on pretending like nothing happened and like as if she ok with everything that happened and pretend to still be friends with him. but the best friend still doesnt know what happened. which shows that hes a man whore and also a liar. thats exactly why i dont like him, yet i have to deal with his punk ass for her. you dont know what id do to him if i had him in a room for 10 mins. someone will be coming out on a stretcher and it aint gonna be me. 

anyway to get back on point, hes the reason why ive been getting pissed for quite a while. i dont know why i think about it, when no one brings it up. it just bothers me. but then i just let it go. but i cant hide my hate for him when i do see him in person. 

i need help. what should i do? im lost. should i just continue with this cycle and just keep quite? or should i tell her to do something? she already knows i dont like him. but even then...

A weird feeling

I dont know why. but is just feels like something is bothering me right now. maybe im just letting the stress of work and exams etc get to my head. my mind is one of those moods where just one single thought will flourish into a whole huge clusterfuck of bad thoughts that just get me all worked up for no reason. and right now im feeling very annoyed and on the verge of being pissed for almost no absolute reason. whats bugging me now is that, i dont wanna be one of those guys who tells his girlfriend to  not talk to someone just cos he feels that that person is a threat or he just doesnt like the guy. i admit, i really dont like the guy in my case. hes someone of no fucking morals and doesnt deserve to breathe the same air as us. dont get me wrong, i dont think im some fuckin perfect angel with perfect morals. but if you were in my position, i think any normal person would understand what im going through. hes a real piece of work. i swear. but even though what happened between them was in the past, that fact that only her,him and i know, is really killing me because hes a fucker and everyone deserves to know that. its not something that should be hidden at all. i dont feel comfortable with him talking to her. nor do i feel comfortable around him. but i just have to put up with it and its killing me so bad right now. i dont even know why im thinking about it. i just am and its fucking bugging the hell out of me. i have brought up the fact about me not being comfortable with her talking to him. and the analogy i used was like as if " you're making friends with the enemy". but the fact that no one knows what happened, means that she cant just stop talking to him cos some of her friends are his friends, and people would question. nor do i wanna restrict her. i just dont like him. If you're lost about my situation, just think about it this way.

Imagine you got a new partner, can be boyfriend or girlfriend. then imagine that your current partner is still good friends with a sort of " Ex" and they still talk and message and shit. wouldnt you be the slightest bit concerned or annoyed? well thats how i feel right now. and i dont know what to do now.

My brain is confused.

you know when you like someone, you get this feeling that you know its love. its a feeling that you cant describe, and its unique feeling that you know is love but you just dont know how to describe. 

recently i had met this girl. she was almost identical to me. we talked the same way, we had the same thoughts on life and how we treated things, we knew exactly what both of us needed in times of need and we both generally felt the same way on most things. 

we recently entertained the thought of getting together. and to be honest we dated for a while to see if things could work out. but in the end, obviously, it didnt seem to work out. hence the reason why i am writing this post.

the thing is, i thought i liked her, but the regular feeling wasnt there. and for the longest time, i had been thinking about why is that so. there have been a few possibilities. one of which was that maybe since we were so alike, maybe it was like loving myself. but i mean, evidently i dont really love myself that much or at least i found it hard to love myself. another possibility was that maybe it i just wanted it because we were so similar and it seem like the natural thing to do. 

either way, the feeling wasnt there. and i dont know what to do. my brain is so fucked right now. i dont know what to do and i need help. anything would do. maybe just some advice would be nice.

i'll have to sort this out myself as usual. in the end, we are all born alone and will die alone

relationships and such

I know its been a long time since i've posted, but i guess it doesnt matter. but i'm back from china. i feel that that trip had thought me many things, but also brought many questions to my mind. but i guess for now i'm going to rant/ talk about relationships and such. i've been through/ witnessed my fair share of relationships. and yet i see it so often, it still intrigues me. relationships are such a simple concept, yet it bring about the most amount of joy or grief that one will ever experience in his or her life. and even though we all know the risk, we all still want one. i guess its just in our human nature. 

in my time in china, i met this girl who thinks a lot like me. and we are extremely similar. ironically, despite knowing me for such a short period of time, when compared to the rest of her friends, she strangely opened up to me. she told a lot, but not even close to everything, about this guy she liked and about the past history they've had. she told me more about it then any other person she had ever told. it made me wonder why she did, but neither her nor i could find the answer. regardless, she told me today that the guy she liked had gotten attached to her friend. the thing is, the friend didnt know about the guy's past history with my friend. so my friend had to sit down with her and just listen about their whole story of how they got together. when i was listening to this, it just killed me so much inside to hear it. and yet she managed to solider on and not show her real emotions. this makes me wonder how i'd react had it been me. i doubt i would take it as well as she did. but i'm proud of her, and i giver her major respect for it. this just goes to show how much pain a relationship can bring to people unknowingly. and yet, we all still want to get into one. ironic isnt it. but i guess thats just life

Life

I know i havent been posting that often. but what does it matter? no one reads this damn thing anyway. the main person that i had made this blog for isnt someone i even know anymore. so what does it matter. anyway, i think its slowly been getting better. i've been in china for the past few days and will continue to be here for the next few weeks. so i wont be posting much. the problem was just as i had expected. facebook. cos everytime i open it up and see her name or any of her post, it always reminds me of her. but since im here, there isnt any easily accessible facebook. so i havent been seeing much of her posts of late. thank god for this break. i really need it. due to the fact that i havent been on facebook that often, and ive been occupied, i havent really had much time to think about all of this. but i miss singapore. i miss everything.

Theres something bugging me

Lately, i've been having weird dreams. involving a girl. for now lets just call her G. G and i have been friends since before i started this blog. we never thought of each other as dating material. shes been there all throughout the time i was involved with the ex. but of late, shes been acting real weird. she too has been having weird dreams that she doesnt want to tell me about. but she seems to be stuck on this person in her dreams. she told me that i know the person, but she doesnt want to tell me what happened in the dreams or who that person is. i mean, her and i dont have many mutual friends.so i mean that narrows it down quite a lot. and i mean the only person who she really considers a real friend out of all our mutual friends is me. so maybe shes likes me? i somewhat want it, but i mean who wouldnt. yet i somehow dont. cos i dont want to lose a friend again. but i think if she did like me, i wouldnt mind. ive never seen myself dating her, but who knows. shes actually has the personality of the kind of girl i want. but i doubt its me. i aint her type. but neither is she mine. so who knows. theres just this deeply rooted idea in my head especially since these dreams have been happening at such a coincidental time. but who knows. we'll see how this all turns out.

Disappointment

This world just seems to be full of disappointment. it seems like its the only constant in my life currently. The pressure of letting down my parents. the disappointment when people let you down, when they do things that you never expected them to do. Yesterday, she really pissed me off. and i dont understand how she can come to school, and act like as if nothing happened. no one in their right mind would be fine with her after hearing all the low blows. it was seriously a cheap shot. and it was such a let down. i dont fucking understand how the fuck she thinks. friends are suppose to help each other. so when they ask you for help, you help. how is that asking for too much? i've helped her more then shes helped me. I had some form of respect for her, but after this, its just brings back the stereotype that ive noticed. and after this incident, it makes me bring back into question, whether or not i can really trust her and whether or not shes as good of a person as i had thought. but i know, a lot of respect has been lost, and its gonna take a lot to win it back

people who talk indirectly

I fucking hate people who say things indirectly. i mean we all do it to a certain extent, but i mean if you have something to seriously say to someone, grow a fucking pair and say it to their fucking face. dont say it behind their back. and if you dont have the balls to say it to them, you have no fucking right to call them a pussy or insult them, because your the pussy in the situation. seriously, these kind of people fucking piss me off. and what pisses me off even more is when someone close to you does it. i mean, if she didnt wanna fucking tell me, just fucking say so. fucking bitch. dont fucking go on twitter and bitch about me. fuck you bitch. thats all i have to say to you. and ive told her many times to her face. seriously, at times like this, it just reminds me of how much we are alone in this world, cos anything can happen and people change. shes changed, for the worst, and she doesnt even know it. she never used to do stupid things like this. this is the fucking reason why i fucking hate life. this kind of bullshit is not what i fucking signed up for. and im sick of having to deal with this. to be honest, since i came to poly, i havent found a single real friend. and im getting sick of putting up this facade. i want my misery to end.

Exhausted

I am both mentally and physically exhausted. it is very evident by the look on my face everyday when i come to school. there have been so many things on my mind right lately. some of which i wish i didnt care about anymore, but i still do. the main thing on my mind is still her, unfortunately. i dont know why. even though i know things between me and her are long over, and by that i dont just mean the love relationship, i still find it hard to handle. losing a friend isnt easy, and watching her run her life into the ground while i just sit on the sidelines is even more difficult.if she does somehow read this, i really hope that she understands that i dont love her anymore at all. and ive gotten over it, the reason why its still on my mind is because it is hard to lose a friend. all i want to do, is just to become friends again. nothing more. i dont want her to crash and burn while i sit on the silde lines and not say or do anything. why cant we just be friends again? cos right now it seems as though a real friend is something she really needs.
i once saw a tweet that said, 'Ex asking to be friends after break up is like kidnappers asking you to "keep in touch" after letting you go.' maybe its true, but i mean ive had other girls who ive had similar relations with. and in the end, we still are friends. so why must she be different?
anyway, the other things on my mind are just the usual. exams, work, tests, etc.... all of these combined with the thoughts of the past, is really taking a toll on me. and if it doesnt end soon, its not going to be a pretty site

What do i mean to you now?

So what am i to her now? am i her friend? am i someone she used to love? or am i just somebody that she used to know? it just really bugs me. i dont know why it does but all i know is that it does.i mean im sure it would bug anybody. not knowing what you meant to someone. i mean, since we havent talked in so long, its become very unclear. like really. i cant say that i didnt put myself into this situation. i always knew that this would have happened, had i let it develop into something a lot more complicated. but this was one of the reasons why i did hesitate at the start. cos it was always a question of whether or not i wanted to take the risk of losing a friend. and obviously i took that risk. now all i want to know, is can i get that friend back

Why contradict yourself?

So i hear that she wants to talk to me. or at least thats what i heard last time. who knows why, but so far, we havent talked for a long time. i'd say not even a proper conversation in more then half a year already. i really cant tell what shes trying to tell me, if she is trying to tell me anything at all. cos every time she sits behind me in lecture, when i do turn back to talk to someone, and i just so happen to glance at her, she always seems to give me a very sad/ angry stare. maybe its neither of them, but thats just what it seems like to me. If she really did want to talk to me, why did she appear offline on facebook to me and unfollow me on twitter? its not that i have a problem with that but its just so contradictory. and if she really had to go to that extent to do all that? why not just unfriend me on facebook. then at least i would get a clearer message. then it would be clear what she was trying to say, and i would get the message. if she wanted to block me, then i would know that what ever amount of friendship we had left was dead. i would just leave her alone for good. and pretend like nothing ever happened between us at all, like as if we never spoke before, never talked, had lunch/dinner, loved each other and kissed. like as if we were two strangers who had never met before. is that what she wants? cos if it is, then i would oblige. i wont make it hard on her. no hard feelings. i'll give her a chance to walk away from this friendship, from me. these thoughts have been bugging me so much these past few months. i've gotten over her. thats for sure. the only thing i havent gotten over is losing a friend. its just not something im used to. i call only a few people my friends but this is the first time i may actually lose one. but its up to her. frankly, im getting sick of all this and it may soon be the last time i give a fuck anymore