Fuck everything

By tomorrow it shall end. i will get my jacket back tomorrow. she wants me to shut up? fucking fine bitch. i'm sorry i actually fucking loved you and im sorry you once fucking meant something to me. so fuck you bitch. things fucking happen for a reason. but you wouldnt fucking understand. so just stfu and please fuck off. thank you

confused

what am i suppose to feel now? emotions dont seem to something that stays constant after what happened. sometimes i am just sad and full of regret, other times i just feel super pissed off or remorseful. i need help, or someone new, before i go fucking crazy with all these thoughts. i hate it when people say that they are happy for you. cause half the time when people say that to me, im not even happy for myself. so why the hell would they be happy for me when i dont even know how to feel for myself

The days ahead will be awkward

I knew i should have never dated a friend. its one thing to lose a friend, its another to still have to see them every single fucking day, and act normal around them. the days to come are going to suck. how am i going to act around her? i can plan all i want, but all the planing in the world still cannot foresee what will really happen. will i go back to being someone whos just really quite? and what about the people i hang out with? their the exact same people she hangs out with too. this will be interesting to see what happens, yet i kinda dont really want to find out the prospects. i think the last time i will ever talk to her will be when i ask for my jacket back. then after that, i will probably never talk to her again. i guess you could say we would be strangers again. but how am i suppose to act when i do talk to her for the final time? what if she tries to make small talk? do i just act like nothing ever happened? do i act cold towards her and give her bear minimal reply? i mean, after all thats happened, no one can really expect me to be fine. and i dont expect anyone to care, let alone her. so even if i do give her an honest answer, she cant do shit. i havent decided what to do yet, but i still have a few days to think it over. i have a feeling that i will most likely be cold, and if she does talk to me, to ask a simple question like how am i, i think my reply will be " i'm okay". then i would just walk away. but as much as i would like to put on a mask for her, i have never been very good at hiding my emotions to people, so it would just be a blatant lie and the biggest give away would be my emotions on my face.i just hope i get overwhelmed with emotions and let my eyes tear up. shes the only girl i have ever cried over, cause she was just that special. i will never let it happen again, and im not gonna fall apart anymore then i already have. cause a liar isnt worth this emotions. besides, what good is there just breaking down or feeling sorry for myself anymore? it aint gonna change anything. so i just keep telling myself, " fuck the lying bitch, shes not worth it". she gave me all these bullshit reasons, and i'm not gonna take it anymore. she will never understand how difficult it was for me, and she never tried to understand. she said she was sad that things had gotten so bad, but she was the one pushing me away, and i only just tried harder to get back. how can you say you love someone then you dont bother helping them? she left when i needed her help the most. thats just not someone i need around me, especially if they have my heart, cause all they'd do is break it. fuck it, fuck her. never thought it would come down to this, but i just cant seem to take it anymore. she used to wonder why i was like this. maybe if she looked around her and herself then she would understand the bullshit i have to deal with everyday. fuck it. seriously just fuck it and fuck her that lying bitch.

Closure, help and trust.

Finally got some form of closure. found out that some people are just so quick to judge. she was an amazing liar. she made everyone believe the things she wanted them to believe, and to make me seem like the bad guy. i wanst the one who gave up in the end. i had my own problems to face that she couldnt understand. the people who judge are always the ones that always wonder why you have a trust issue. and the answer is extremely simple. why trust the people who judge, when all they do is judge you when you need the help? even though she had more ex's then me, she still newer to the game then i am. when the person that your dating is in the same class as you, there are just some basic things that you shouldnt do. i guess you could call it basic dating etiquette. some examples are that, you should just hug someone of the opposite gender in front of your lover. another one is to just show that your kinda taken already, just to make your partner feel more secure. some of the things she never understood which obviously made me upset. it isnt rocket science. we all have feelings, be it guy or girl. i guess she hasnt really reached that mature mindset yet, which is why she didnt do the stuff. cos she may have seen it as friendly, but at my age, it means something else. plus she gave me all this bullshit reason. im just sick of it. i'm the kind of person who if you lose my trust, you'll almost never get it back. so ever since the first incident, all i needed was assurance. something i provided to her in abundance, yet none was provided for me from her. some of the thoughts that have allowed me to gain some closure. although it obvious, from me writing this, that i havent gotten full closure. the rest takes time i guess.