I dont know what i want

I know that even if she did come back, i would say no. but why do i still feel this way about her? i need to get over it. its been 4 long months already. i think she probably thinks that i want to get back with her, when actually i dont. i would still say that i love her, but i just cant / wont get back with her. i know it wont happen. and i really dont want it to. but if i already knew what i would do, then why am i still thinking of her?

 i was talking to a close friend the other day about love. she said that shes was getting over this guy that she liked. it just seemed to contradict herself cause before she said that, she kept saying that she missed him and stuff like that. it just didnt seem like she really was getting over him. you might be asking yourself what relevance this has to the previous paragraph. well, its cos after she said she was getting over him, the next thing i said to her was " dont lie to yourself". cause we all do subconsciously. maybe im just lying to myself about still loving her. maybe deep down in my heart, i just want her back. my brain tells me one thing, and my heart tells me another. i know i shouldnt bother about her anymore, yet some times things bring me back to the same feelings i had for her, then i miss her. one thing i know i am lying to myself about is this new girl thats in my heart. i know i like her, and i keep telling myself that shes the only one in my heart currently, but deep down inside i know shes not alone down there. i do it to try to forget the past. this love has taken its toll on me. and with each passing day, it becomes more and more obvious. its just that no one has dared to outright say it to my face, but my friends have noticed. that i know for sure, cause they constantly give me hints like " you need someone new" or " i want to see you get someone you really like". i can see they care, but they dont know how to help me. i dont know how i can help myself either. this sucks.

i dont know what i want. but i know i want something. maybe this christmas will finally be the one where i get the gift i've wanted for a long time. it would be a perfect end to a rough year.