Resist temptations

As much as i miss her and as much as i want to message her, i know i shouldn't. She's studying and i dont want to bother her. i just wish she'd message me so that we could talk. i miss her a lot.

Perspective

It seems as though that's all it boils down to. Perspective. It seems like that is all anything revolves around. I wasnt always like this. By this I mean all pessimistic and emo. I used to be happier. Until the incident. That's when I told myself to "trust no one. Not even yourself" that's why I'm like this. I need a change in perspective. There needs to be a huge motivator and a big payoff cos it ain't no easy task to just change the way I think. It's a core feature that is hard to change. Although I hate it, my perspective does help sometimes. I need a shift in paradigm, and I need it ASAP.

Sometimes, I just don't know why

Sometimes, somethings just make me wonder why I do them. It really puzzles me and sometimes I think that all the effort I put in just go to waste cos they never ever pay off. Maybe I should just stop trying cos it amounts to nothing. Not even a simple thanks or a any fucking consideration to how I feel. FUCK THIS SHIT. Why bother if there are no returns. I know it's selfish of me to be like this, but sometimes a small thing can go a really really long way in telling someone that they matter. Man fuck it already and fuck this shit

I mean seriously, if I'm not the one she really likes, then why? It's a one sided thing

no one to blame but myself

i dont want to do some of the things that i do, but sometimes it just comes out by themselves and it pisses off the people that i care about. i hate it when i get angry over the stupid small things. i want to change. its not like i havent tried, its just hard to change something so fundamentally me. i will try my best for her and for myself. lets just hope that i dont crash and burn

the best moments, are the unplanned ones

sometimes, somethings were just meant to happen. no amount of planning will ever make something as special as something that just happen. take for example, a first kiss. you dont plan to have one. when it comes, then it comes.for most, its special. i sure as hell didnt expect things to between us to become like this, but i like it. i didnt plan it, it just happened. thats what makes it so special. my first kiss, given to replace hers that was stolen by some fucker. and also because i love her. i didnt plan for it to happen, but it did and it was amazing. this year has turned out a lot better then expected. there where a lot of first that i didnt expect. met so many great people and great friends. got into a good school and i met her. so far, its been good, and it was all unplanned. maybe somethings were just meant to happen without planning.

Overthinking

i over think things. there is no way i can deny it. and i really hate that part of myself because every time i actually care about someone or something, i over think think certain actions that they do or dont do. every time i do overthink something, it never turns out for the better. i think one of the main contributing factors is that things then to linger in my mind. some times i just wonder if what i think really is true. a girl once told me that whenever a girl thinks of someone, they tend to want to contact the person. well i guess i'm no longer thought of by her. its just such a sad thought. i know shes probably busy, but what happened to the good old times? i dont even know if she even bothers reading this blog anymore. maybe i'm just slowly falling out of her life. i really really dont want that to happen. i used to love her, i still do and i always love her. i just hope that someday things will go back to the way they were. it would really put my mind at peace. last time when we used to talk a lot, i wasnt like this. every time i was with her, she would take my breath away and she would always make me happy. things just dont seem ti be the same anymore. i think if i dont bother trying to talk to her for a day, she would even notice or care anymore sadly. this would have not have been the case last time. in the past, she would never let me go a day without talking to her, for a short while, i thought it was a bit annoying, but then i started to enjoy it. but now, she just doesnt seem to want to talk to me. sadly, the time when it first started, wasnt too long ago. so if she does read this, i want to tell her that i  love her and i miss her. she will always have a place in my heart.

Why the change?

why did it change? what happened to the old times? when messages would flood in and we always had time to talk to each other. The times when i would be up till 1 am just talking and never wanting to stop? whats with the change? sometimes i just wonder. but maybe the answer to this question is one that is better that i dont know and it should be left unsaid. i hope that i one day we will get back what we once had with the strong fire in our hearts that was unwavering.

:( damn

sometimes its not the big things, but the small things that really just...
What happened to all the times when she would keep me up till 1 in the morning just talking and when we used to always talk everyday? where have those times gone? why have they gone? what made it this way? just too many questions, to which i will never get the answer too. in times like these, how can u expect me to keep a smile on my face and say everything is ok? its just so damn sad that we lost it almost as fast as it came along. i dont want it to end, or at least not end like this..... sometimes, running away from life seems like a very promising prospect.

Internal conflicts

I love her. I know I do. I want her to be mine. Should I ask? I know my parents won't like it but I never tell them about these things and I think their ways are flawed. It's just not right. I don't mind someone from a different race because race doesn't matter. In the end, love is love, and I know she's the one. The thing is, should I ask?

Feelings

sometimes i wonder if im just weird or the feelings that i have are just felt by me and now one else will ever feel the same in this situation. maybe i'm just paranoid and shit, but sometimes the smallest of shitty things will piss me off. maybe if someone else was me, and they know i feel, they might understand. and even agree that my actions tat i carried out would be justified. but i guess i'll never know and i'll just forever think i'm weird. some tmes, i just wish i was dead so that i didn't have to deal with this bullshit. i hate feeling things because i know that in this world, it will never be possible to have the good without the bad.

The past

Don't you just wish sometimes that somethings can go back to when it was better or back to the start? i wish it could, cos i miss those times when things were a lot more fun and it just seemed a lot simpler. But usually once something changes, it never seems to be able to go back to the original state. but sometimes, change is good. most of the time, the change will be brought about in the worst situations possible, and then you may lose everything that you had. i hope this situation will go back to the past when it was better, because it seems as though i'm losing everything that i had right now.

Life

I hate my past and the present. i keep telling myself that the future will be better. But will it really be better?  ever since i had to tell myself that, what occurred just turn out worst then what has happened. can life not be a bitch for once? or at least let me find the one that will make my life less of a shit storm of fucking bad luck.I guess i just 'lucky' enough to get the angel of pain and sorrow to watch over me. so far, she hasnt failed at her job. as the days go by, my life just gets more fucked up and the more it isnt worth living anymore.

Questions questions questions

We all have questions. but most of the time they dont get answered because the answer simply cannot be found, and some, are just better to be left unanswered. sometimes, i just wish i didnt know the answers to some of the questions that i had asked

That day

I wonder what that day will be like when it comes. both her and me know it WILL come no matter how much we don't want it to, but life's just a bitch and bad things do happen very very often. but what will both of us feel when we no longer have that special thing that we have right now? will we still feel what we feel for each other now? or will it become one sided? who will he or she be? will we ever be able to continue to be close friends? just some of the questions that will eventually be answered with time. as much as i don't want to know the answers, as humans, we are curious and want to know answers to things that we know may possibly hurt us. but till that day comes, i will just have to treasure what we have now and with every passing day, hope that this dreaded day isn't the next day

....

Sometimes I just don't know what to think

Water under the bridge.

things happen for a reason and once its done, theres nothing you can really do about it but regret. sometimes you just need to in order to move on. but to who? Friends that care are hard to come by, and most of them wont wanna hear you grumble. but those friends that care, will listen. i havent met very many but when you do, you just seem to know that they do care. things that come and pass are just like most unfaithful friends, they all come and go, like water under the bridge. No hard feelings right, once they leave? most times, it isnt the case and many of them and they just leave on a bad note. Its a dog eat dog world out there and no matter how much i seem to try, i never seem to be able to find the right friends. the ones who stay for a long time and actually care about you. maybe its just my faith to never meet many, but who knows, i have a feeling that i may have just found one and she may be staying for a long time hopefully. But if she leaves, i don't blame her, but i hope things last.

Procrastination.

I'm sure everyone does it.Hell, I'm even doing it now. We as a society should really stop procrastinating. I mean, we all know it is not good, and yet we still do it, and I'm sure for most, on a daily basis. I know I should really be studying for my final exam's that are coming up soon, which unluckily for me, its is during my birthday. But I've gotten used to it. It happen's every year, but it's not like its that bad a thing, because my birthday celebrations have never brought me good memories. Anyway getting back on topic, I should really be studying now and yet I keep saying, " I'll do it in 10 minutes". But most of the time, things don't seem to get done. I should really drop this bad habit. It's not doing me any good. I shall try to. they say it takes 21 days to drop a habit, I hope I can last that long. Wish me luck, because I'll definitely need it

Parents

Parents. They have got to be one of the biggest hypocrites in my life. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't hate my parents, but sometimes they just do things that really puzzle me.They always tell me that I'm not allowed to use my hand phone or tablet at the dinner table, however, when my mother finishes her food, the first thing she does is use her iPad. How is that fair? But I guess I have no right to question my mothers authority unless I want to get scolded.Another thing that annoys me to the core that my parents do is that when I'm in the middle of eating, they will always ask me to get up and go get something for them. This really pisses me off but its not because I don't want to help, it's just that they always ask me when they could just reach out a bit and grab it themselves or they aren't eating anymore and they can do it themselves but they force me to do it when I'm still eating which really annoys the hell out of me. But what can I do? I don't have any other choice but to  follow their orders. But just to remind everybody, I don't hate my parents but seriously, I can't be the only one who feels this way. That's just some of my thoughts. I'll have to keep that in mind next time when I become a father.

Just a first random thought

Sometimes I just wish I could drop out of school and run away. I would find a place where my loved one and I could be together forever without any judgement from the public. But I guess this world isn't as simple as it seems and I can't just do whatever i want. But sometimes just the thought of running away is extremely comforting. I created this blog to be just that. A place for my mind to run away. I have had a really messed up life so far, so maybe this will let my mind feel less fucked up by releasing my thoughts to the world if anyone even wants to read this. But lets hope this will be something that turns out fun and not just a place for me to bitch about my life