i really wonder

I wonder, why does she think it is so easy for me to move on. maybe to her, the moments that we made together, those happy memories, meant nothing. but they meant a lot to me. i wouldnt have kissed her if i didnt think that we could have been something. she used to say, " i wish i could give you more," but in my mind, all i was thinking " its not about what you can provide, but more about what i an do for you, because i love you." or at least i loved her. i wouldnt have done half the things that i did with her if i thought we werent going anywhere. she never had to let me do half the things that she let me do. all that was just icing on the cake. even if she didnt let me do it, i would have still loved her just as much. its not about the physical, its was always about the emotions. there were a lot of conflicts in my head at that point in time, which is why i acted unusually. but she would never understand. i did try to tell her once, but it just caused us to fight. well i guess i just have to write all this down so that i could get it out of my mind. i mean, there really isnt anyone left to tell. who do i talk to about heartbreak, when the person who broke my heart is the person i would talk to about everything? i am slowly moving on, but i dont think i will be able to every talk to her for a while. and with the current facts, it just seems to me like she lied. i have so many emotions bottled up now. i'm angry, sad and puzzled right now. and all i want is just some closure. my first kiss meant a lot to me, and maybe she just doesnt understand that. maybe thats why she wonders why its hard for me to move on. well if she reads this, and that i know she wont anymore, this is why. all those times i stayed so late into the night with her in school and all those memories, all mean a lot to me. which is why its hard for me to move on.

Isnt it true?

you never stop being fucked up. you just change the way you are fucked up and then delude yourself into thinking that you've changed when in reality, your just as messed up as when you started, just in a different way. then when you find someone like your previous self, you judge them and think you know everything. but you actually dont. your situation and their situation may not have been the same, and what you did to help yourself may not help them. and whats the point in trying to help them? since you havent really helped yourself. I am depressed, and all i want is someone to love and accept me. she says shes changed, but she really hasnt. if she really looked at herself, it would be extremely evident. constantly changing who you love and just getting attached to the first person that asks. she is still the same as me, but more delusional. i dont mean any offence to her, but i just wish she would have listened and not act like she knows everything. thats what really pisses me off plus she like to keep rubbing shit in my face and i'm just so tempted to tell her mean things that i know will happen.

What now?

Now that all this is over, what now? where do we go from here? i dont know what to think anymore. should i be happy for her? i think i should, but it kills me inside just to think about it. i mean, its just burns. even if she did come back to me, i dont think i will ever be able to be with her. so many good memories, crushed by one simple sentence, " i dont love you like i used to". this is exactly why i hesitated at the very beginning. I DIDNT WANT IT TO TURN OUT THIS FUCKING WAY. But no one will ever believe me. and its not like them knowing the facts now will change anything. this feeling sucks, and I know that it is here to stay for a long time to come. suffer in silence, as they would always say. how am i suppose to feel right now? she broke my heart, and to me it seemed like she was heartless when she did it. but, i'm sure that wasnt the case. but what evidence is there for me to believe otherwise? from what some of my friends told me, she stopped loving me way before she even told me. and to me it seemes like i was led on. but i'm really sure that wasnt the case. i really dont want it to be the case, cos then i really wont have any other choice then to just walk. breaking a heart is one thing, deception is another and in its own class. things just wont be the same and i dont know where to go from here. all i need is a little guidance. everyone needs help, even superman. and i know i'm no superman.

What to feel or believe anymore?

I dont know what to feel or think anymore. why didnt she just talk to me when she could? why didnt she just say the fucking things. then shit wouldnt have turned out this way. what am i suppose to feel now? FUCKING BULLSHIT ABOUT COMMITMENT. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER JUST WANTED TO YELL "FUCK YOU" TO A GIRL SO BADLY. fucking hell. someone help me. if she does read this, i said goodbye for a reason. but its not like she cares. i dont think she will even remember by now. but goodbye, you should already know why

I dont know what to think anymore

I still do love her a bit, and it pains me to hear all this from her. she was so special to me, but i wasnt to her. i feel like a victim of a hit and run cos shes just going back to old flames she never let burn out. did she really lie to me about the commitment crap? now when i need someone to talk to about this, there isnt one cos we kept it a secret. so what now? do i still have to keep it a secret? i really just want to get my thoughts out there now