Theres something bugging me

Lately, i've been having weird dreams. involving a girl. for now lets just call her G. G and i have been friends since before i started this blog. we never thought of each other as dating material. shes been there all throughout the time i was involved with the ex. but of late, shes been acting real weird. she too has been having weird dreams that she doesnt want to tell me about. but she seems to be stuck on this person in her dreams. she told me that i know the person, but she doesnt want to tell me what happened in the dreams or who that person is. i mean, her and i dont have many mutual friends.so i mean that narrows it down quite a lot. and i mean the only person who she really considers a real friend out of all our mutual friends is me. so maybe shes likes me? i somewhat want it, but i mean who wouldnt. yet i somehow dont. cos i dont want to lose a friend again. but i think if she did like me, i wouldnt mind. ive never seen myself dating her, but who knows. shes actually has the personality of the kind of girl i want. but i doubt its me. i aint her type. but neither is she mine. so who knows. theres just this deeply rooted idea in my head especially since these dreams have been happening at such a coincidental time. but who knows. we'll see how this all turns out.

Disappointment

This world just seems to be full of disappointment. it seems like its the only constant in my life currently. The pressure of letting down my parents. the disappointment when people let you down, when they do things that you never expected them to do. Yesterday, she really pissed me off. and i dont understand how she can come to school, and act like as if nothing happened. no one in their right mind would be fine with her after hearing all the low blows. it was seriously a cheap shot. and it was such a let down. i dont fucking understand how the fuck she thinks. friends are suppose to help each other. so when they ask you for help, you help. how is that asking for too much? i've helped her more then shes helped me. I had some form of respect for her, but after this, its just brings back the stereotype that ive noticed. and after this incident, it makes me bring back into question, whether or not i can really trust her and whether or not shes as good of a person as i had thought. but i know, a lot of respect has been lost, and its gonna take a lot to win it back

people who talk indirectly

I fucking hate people who say things indirectly. i mean we all do it to a certain extent, but i mean if you have something to seriously say to someone, grow a fucking pair and say it to their fucking face. dont say it behind their back. and if you dont have the balls to say it to them, you have no fucking right to call them a pussy or insult them, because your the pussy in the situation. seriously, these kind of people fucking piss me off. and what pisses me off even more is when someone close to you does it. i mean, if she didnt wanna fucking tell me, just fucking say so. fucking bitch. dont fucking go on twitter and bitch about me. fuck you bitch. thats all i have to say to you. and ive told her many times to her face. seriously, at times like this, it just reminds me of how much we are alone in this world, cos anything can happen and people change. shes changed, for the worst, and she doesnt even know it. she never used to do stupid things like this. this is the fucking reason why i fucking hate life. this kind of bullshit is not what i fucking signed up for. and im sick of having to deal with this. to be honest, since i came to poly, i havent found a single real friend. and im getting sick of putting up this facade. i want my misery to end.

Exhausted

I am both mentally and physically exhausted. it is very evident by the look on my face everyday when i come to school. there have been so many things on my mind right lately. some of which i wish i didnt care about anymore, but i still do. the main thing on my mind is still her, unfortunately. i dont know why. even though i know things between me and her are long over, and by that i dont just mean the love relationship, i still find it hard to handle. losing a friend isnt easy, and watching her run her life into the ground while i just sit on the sidelines is even more difficult.if she does somehow read this, i really hope that she understands that i dont love her anymore at all. and ive gotten over it, the reason why its still on my mind is because it is hard to lose a friend. all i want to do, is just to become friends again. nothing more. i dont want her to crash and burn while i sit on the silde lines and not say or do anything. why cant we just be friends again? cos right now it seems as though a real friend is something she really needs.
i once saw a tweet that said, 'Ex asking to be friends after break up is like kidnappers asking you to "keep in touch" after letting you go.' maybe its true, but i mean ive had other girls who ive had similar relations with. and in the end, we still are friends. so why must she be different?
anyway, the other things on my mind are just the usual. exams, work, tests, etc.... all of these combined with the thoughts of the past, is really taking a toll on me. and if it doesnt end soon, its not going to be a pretty site