Back to normal

I think i feel ok now. my brain seems to be somewhat working now. hopefully it will last

I feel like I'm going crazy

Am i fucking going crazy? like seriously?! i have so many internal conflicts and i always end up feeling like shit. fuck this feeling. i need someone to listen to me. but who the fuck will? i need help. SERIOUSLY. i need to go see a psychologist. my mind is totally fucked up. i wish someone would listen to me

A look back

Just last night i was going through some of the things i had collected that had meaning to me. it's quite interesting to see some of the items and letters or random pieces of paper that i had collected. there was  this one item that really caught my eye. it was this big piece of paper which had writing on it. it was from an activity that my secondary school teacher had made the class do. basically, everybody would write something on that paper that they wanted to say to you. and reading some of the things back had put a smile on my face, but had also boggled my mind. take for example, there were hearts written by girls on the paper. one of the sentences, at the end of it, wrote "<3 you." but sadly there wasn't a name attached to it. it did put a smile on my face. and some of the girls really said some sweet things. but one thing that did boggle my mind was what those backstabbing girls wrote. they all wrote something along the lines of " thanks for being there when i needed help. but i can't tell you what you did to piss us off so dont be angry". but eventually when i did find out what they had thought i had done, i actually didn't do. i will never trust them ever again. but one common thing i have noticed that people have constantly told me throughout the years was " hey cheer up". i guess it doesn't matter where i go or who I'm with. i will eventually be sad. i mean there have been some really great moments, but when they end, they always end badly. i was also reading through the letter she had written me. As i read them, a small tear rolled down the side of my cheek. she will never understand how much she meant to me and how much i put on the line for her. well, i guess its all just water under the bridge now. and i have to move on. I hope its a full moon tonight. Staring up into the night sky at the moon, somehow just puts me at ease. And i hope she talks to me soon. i miss her a lot but she seems to just keep distancing herself from me. i'm better, and i got better for her. all i want is just the company. I just have to say, no one is perfect. and i wish she understood.

The wait

I'm just waiting for that day. when my phone rings and its her. the week's almost up. i hope she hasn't distanced herself so much to the point where she doesnt care anymore. i did all this for her. but after looking at everything in retrospect, i do feel a bit hurt. i mean, everyone always says that you should treat people the way you want them to treat you. i tried to be the best friend that i could. i mean, i tried to help her when i barely knew her last time. and whenever she was worried about something, i would do some snooping around to make sure that she didnt have anything to worry about. i tried to pull all the strings for her. even when i barely knew her. but now when i need help, she tried but gave up. i wished she'd tried a bit more, or at least give me another chance. everyone needs help sometimes, even superman. i just hope that that day comes soon. i dont want to lose a friend. i dont even know why i tried so much when i first met her. she just seemed like as if she needed someone she could trust or just a good true friend. i guess you could say me and her weren't too different. i guess thats why i tried. so i didn't expect her to give up. but i dont blame her. i mean, i was really sad, and i guess only someone who really wanted me to be fine would have stayed and tried till i got better. thats all i had wanted. i'm sure she still cares somewhat. or at least thats the thing really resonating in my head. i just hope that she remember what i had done for her, and maybe that will warrant a second chance. they always say, you get what you give. i hope it happens. and i hope that my phone will ring soon. i just wish she would listen to me. there are so many thoughts that i want to express or get off my chest, but when i do, she gets angry and distances herself. but she always told me to not bottle it inside. so what do i do? there's no one to listen, and thats just what i need right now. i can't lie, i'm still sad, but slowly getting better, and i'm just gonna bottle it up right now

Day 4: the end

I things have definitely changed in these 4 days. i think i've somewhat moved. Don't get me wrong, i still love her. that wont change for a while. its not that easy for me to just stop loving someone. what i mean by moved on is that i have come to terms with the facts. i have a feeling i will eventually get jealous, but i'll hide it and never tell her, its not like she would like to know nor care about it. she told me that she may talk to once i'm better. i hope she hasnt forgotten and i'll be waiting for that message. honestly, i miss her a lot. and looking back at the past, at some of the things i did and didn't do, it was very foolish of me and she will just be the one that got away. there were reasons why i did and didn't do some of the things that i did. but it doesn't matter now cause it's sadly over and i don't think she cares about it anymore. i just hope that what we had was real, cause it was the best time of my life, but like what they always say, all good things have to come to an end. something i have felt too many times. since her and i could never be together, i just hope we can be close friends. i have always wanted a close girl friend who wasn't going to back stab me. and i really hope she appreciated all the effort i had put in, cause that was the most amount of effort i had ever put in and i dont think any other girls will get that amount of effort from me again. thats how much she meant to me. honestly i felt i had put everything on the line and risked it all for her. but sometimes everything just isnt good enough. i had risked my relationship with my parents and i had risked all the relations i had with a lot of people.  thankfully, none were lost, due to good cover up. sometimes i just wonder what we would have become if i had asked earlier and she said yes. i think we would have been amazing together. for once, a girl who i thought would have been good together with me. oh well, i just cant wait till i find another that will be good with me. i just want to thank her for all the good times and love she showed me, i just hope my future girlfriend will be as against the norm as her. i mean, how many guys can actually say that the girl they loved, made them a sandwich voluntarily, wrote them a love letter and also was the first to confess to the guy instead of the other way around? i like girls who have a backbone and know what they want. and she had fit in all those categories perfectly. i will miss the times, but i know i have to move on. i just want to say to her, thank you and even though i know you will never say it back, i love you and thanks for the love. i'll be waiting for the message

Day 3: Detachment

I need to start to detach myself from some of these memories. when they start to creep back into my head, they make me sad again.but dont get me wrong, i'll still keep the best ones. how can i not? she gave me some of the most romantic moments ever in my life. i think this will be a challenge but it can be done. all i need is just some good distractions. that wont be hard to find. the table that i ordered online a few days ago should be coming today. that will distract me for a good bit of the day cause i will get a chance to reorganize my work area. i think i may recover soon. maybe by day 4 or 5. maybe she'll start to talk to me again. i hope so, cause its getting a bit lonely at home by myself doing nothing cause no one is free. there are so many things i wanna tell her. hopefully she will talk to me soon. the road to recovery hasnt been easy so far, and the last part of the process is the hardest, but most important. i want to be good friends with her like the past. and i know its possible if she gives me another chance. if not, well... lets not think about that outcome right now, or at all for that matter. the processes is almost over, and i'm already feeling a lot better then that day.

Day 2: reconciliation

Woke up today, feeling strangely at ease. i had actually gone to sleep easily. but then again i had help. today, i have finally come to terms with my thoughts and am on the way to recovery. now that i look back at all the times, it was good. and i know that eventually i may have them again. this may be an end of a chapter in my life, but when one door closes, another will open and another chapter begins.

End of day 1

Today has come to an end. today was mainly used to gather my thoughts and accepting the facts. it hurts, but i have to move on. i needed this today. cos i believe that the first step to moving on is to first accept the facts. i guess it has improved my mood a bit. shes still on my mind, but i know she shouldnt be.but something that really still bugs me to this day, was that day when she forgot. i dont think i will ever be able to forget that, but i have to get her off my mind, and thats what tomorrow will be used for. today has been okay i guess. the thoughts are still bothering me. i have come to find out the problems and i have been working on the solutions. i have also used today to just try to reconcile, and also try to move on. i feel that there has been good progress. lets see how the next 6 days will be like. i have a good feeling about them. but only time will tell.

I will get better. I must.

I have given myself a few days. i will get better. i promise. just dont leave and you'll see. i meant what i said in the past. and i'll do anything to get it. this isnt the first time that i have been like this. but in the past i had help getting through this. I am a boy. and to become a man, i need to get through this myself. One week. I promise. just check back in one week. if your still not convinced and you still want to leave, then i wont stop you. but just give me one last shot.

Broken. Inside and out

No words can describe how i feel right now. but i guess it doesnt matter when theres no one to listen to the words even if i did have them. i guess i really know what i am to her now. all i want is just for her to want to talk to me. Anyway if anyone has ever seen my phone, they would have seen that there is a word on it. Archangel. i need one to come and save me from this despair. the only reason why i didnt rush into things at the time is for this exact reason. i didnt want to be broken again. why did i even let her break me? i guess you could say i have a weak spot for girls. you can break someone, but when that person is broken, what he or she does defines who they are. right now, my mind and body are like two sides of a coin. they are so different yet they are the same thing. my mind is feeling hurt and broken, but anyone that sees me right now will think differently because my body is saying otherwise. being broken isnt a new feeling. i've been broken 2 other times. and this would make it the third time. i'm not distancing myself from her. shes the one thats doing it. always leaving halfway through the conversation and always seemingly avoiding me. why put the effort when the effort clearly isnt appreciated? i really need to just leave everyone i knew and just run away. why was i born into this life? is it just fate or a higher power or just bad luck? i always have bad luck, so maybe thats just the reason. whatever it is, i am broken and all i want is just someone to listen, help me and care for me. i dont think i'll last much longer. there was a time when i tricked her into thinking that i was leaving for good. and she didnt seem to care. what if i told her that it wasnt a lie? that i really was leaving for good? i dont think it will change anything. that thought just breaks me more inside

Still caught up

I still love her. i just can't tell her. its difficult to move on. its like losing someone you love a lot because they died. i miss her a lot. more then i can ever describe. i want to talk to her, yet i dont want to waste her time. things used to be so different. " it takes two hands to clap". something she recently told me, but for the longest time, i have always been making the effort. but now she doesnt even bother anymore. why did it have to turn out this way?! fuck my life. the first time i ever find someone i love that loved me back and she doesnt even wanna talk anymore. thats just sad, and thats just something i have to deal with on a daily basis. things would have been different if i had tried earlier, but i didnt want to rush into things, cos i had thought that if i did get into a relationship with her, it would have been very serious for me. and if she was mine, i wouldnt have gotten jealous half the times that i did. maybe things were just meant to play out like this.

Depression

This was the most depressed i have ever been on my birthday. there were just absolutely no good thoughts in my head the whole day. i stayed up till midnight and immediately when it passed midnight, my heart just sank even more and just broke into a thousand pieces. why do i even keep my hopes up? every time i hope she does something, she never does. not even a message to wish me happy birthday and she forgot what i had asked her to do with me. 17/08/12 was the worst day of my life. Period. i have never felt any worst feeling ever. the person that i felt i could trust so much and that i loved, i discovered i lost on that day. I guess i just shouldnt bother her anymore. i think i'm just not gonna try to message her, as much as i miss her and want to talk, unless she messages first, which wont happen anymore. screw my life. if even the person that i trusted so much has just left, how the hell can people expect me to still be happy? i just dont understand. You will always receive identical results to identical situations. and with my situation, the only result would be for me to feel depressed. and thats exactly how i feel right now. i just hate the way it turned out and i just hate myself. i dont expect my dream to come true this year, and that thought isnt helping with my mood one bit

Today is 17th of August

Today is the 17th of August 2012. today was the day i had planed to go on a date with a girl i loved, but got rejected by her. today is the day that my mum made me cry when i was 5 years old. today is the day that i have one of my most crucial exams. today is the day, when it comes around every year, i feel the most alone in this world. today is the day i have to put on a fake smile the most. today is the day that i dream that i will eventually get to spend it with my significant other. to go to the movies, ice skate, shopping and a romantic dinner and to lie under the stars on the beach with her next to me. today is my birthday. dont get me wrong, i used to love my birthday, but ever since that incident when my mum made me cry on my birthday, i just started to hate it. i mean, if something traumatizing happens on your special day when you are very young, feelings just get attached to the day. well, thanks to my mum, i have always hated my birthday. even until my now. i mean, what is there to actually look forward to? this year, when my parents asked where i wanted to go for my birthday dinner, i got scolded and was told to move out. i really dont mind just celebrating my birthday by myself. this is one of the main reasons why i want a close girl friend or a significant other, cos they replace the care that was suppose to come from my parents, and i know she wont hurt me. i may be a guy, but guys have feelings too and all i want is just to be loved. call me whatever u want to, but if u had to go through what i have, i'm sure you'd want the exact same thing as me. if only she would understand. but i dont think she gives a flying fuck anymore cos it was obvious she forgot. Never mind. I guess I have one more thing to add on to this fucking horrible day

she just doesnt get it

she tells me all these things about why she didnt wanna be attached. then now she says that she may. she knows i hate it when people lie to me, so why the hell does she fucking still do this?! hiaz anyway all i know is that i've lost it all already. she will never give me a chance and she doesnt realize all the pain she is causing me. shes always so cold and she distances herself from me. maybe i should just get out of her life. she doesnt seem to like me in it anymore anyway. i shall just put on a masquerade in front of her and anyone else. i know i have to move on, cos shes never gonna be with me, but its difficult. maybe with all this pain, it may happen soon. hopefully.

Its hard

its hard to stay positive. i mean, take for example, every time i message her, it seems like im just wasting her time. so maybe i just wont anymore. i feel guilty about it, but i really really just wanna talk. and with my parents being this way, tell me how am i suppose to be positive. i will try. the day is coming soon. in about 5 hours. always hated it. and looks like this year, i will be "enjoying" it alone... damn. maybe i really should have just gotten myself a slice of cake and celebrated it myself. people wonder why i have so many things. well its cos i buy myself a present every year on that day, to make up for the fact that its just gonna be another shitty year. oh well. i will try to be positive. dont know how though

Maybe this will answer some of her questions

She wants to know why I'm like this? well this is why. Since young, my parents have always been so harsh on me. Always getting scolded for the stupidest of things. and my parents just dont me to go move out and make my own money.they say my sister and i treat the house like a hotel. but if they havent realised, its their fault. when i was young, they have always been traveling and so i had to learn to be by myself. and all they do when they got back was just to scold me. wheres the fucking love? They just asked me where i wanted to go for my birthday dinner. i told them then they scolded me! WTF. If i really could, i would rather just celebrate my birthday by myself. why do i want someone to care about me? look at what i have been through! all i want is just someone to FUCKING CARE FOR ONCE. I just want someone to do what my parents were suppose to do and care about me. all they do is to fucking scold. if they havent noticed, why i;m always in my room is cause i'm fucking studying so that i can do well and make them proud of me. but if i do that then they tell me to spend more time with them. then i lose out and do badly then they get angry. what the fuck. if they fucking wanted to spend time with me, they should have done that when i actually had the time. but they dont realize that and just get angry. she said that i want a girl. YES I FUCKING DO. COS AT LEAST SHE WOULD CARE MORE ABOUT ME THEN MY STUPID PARENTS. some might say i'm not being good to my parents. but look at it from my point of view. im just trying to do well for them and all i get in return is disappointment and scolding. so why am i such a pessimist? cos i've had nothing good to look forward to when i go home. not a single caring person to come home to. and when i go to school, i just have to meet people who i dont click with. i'm just tired of being alone. 17 years of this shit is too long. i just want someone to care. i still remember that one birthday, when i was 5 or 6 years old. on my birthday my mum made me cry. not tears of joy. you call that caring? I want a girl to take away the pain. to just be my friend and to be my pillar of support. i can get all the A that i can in school but that will never be good enough for my parents. screw this. all of these factors have made me into the person that i am. one fucked up sad little boy. im sorry i make her sad. its all my fault. if she doesnt wanna stick around me anymore, i dont blame her. i'm sorry. i opened my heart out to her. but it only ended up with me ruining what we used to have. when she told me her first impression of me, a sad little boy, she wasnt wrong. i am sad. and all i want someone to really care a lot about me. why does she think my perfect dream is just to spend my birthday with my girlfriend? well its cos at least my girlfriend isnt gonna scream at me and i know that my girlfriend would care about me and love me and make that year a special one. i thought she could be the one. and that this year wouldnt have been so bad. but i guess not. now all i wish for is just one last movie with her. but after all thats happened, i dont have the guts to ask her cos its just mean. look at it this way. if someone asked you out, its just mean to say no and your kinda forcing that person to go. so i'm not gonna ask. cos theres no point forcing her since shes not in love with me anymore and theres no point for me to force her into it. cos i know that if i do, then she wont enjoy it and i would just be wasting my time. i wish she would go with me, but i think that this year will be another lonely one. i hope this answers her questions. and in the end, if she decides to leave, i dont blame her and i understand. i dont want just the friend kind of care. i want a loving care. but i guess its never gonna happen. i want her to go to the movies with me on my birthday. but i know she wont. I'm sorry im just so messed up. i hate myself for it. maybe to ease the pain, i'll just by myself a slice of cake and go to the park at midnight and just celebrate my birthday myself, like every year so far. at least i know i wont hurt myself

A change

I am gonna change.for real. i dont like being so negative.so i will change. i just hope she doesnt leave cos when i said that i dont wanna lose someone like her, i really meant it.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry. i know she doesnt like to hear it, but im sorry. i just dont wanna lose her. i dont like being like this. and it isnt easy to change. i'll get better eventually. but with all the change, its just really really  traumatizing. i hate change. and from being so close to suddenly just being nothing is very shocking and painful. i dont wanna lose her. and i dont wanna be nothing to her or be distanced from her

I know she doesnt care, but i miss you.

i know she wants me to move on, but if you actually loved someone, its not that easy to just move on. and as much as i know she doesnt care, but baby, i miss u so so much. i know you've moved on but just looking back at all the things we've done together, i miss them. and i miss her. its just so damn sad. i guess looks do count a lot more then heart.

Sad little boy

Thats all I'll ever be. or at least thats what people have been telling me that is what i come across as. i dont deny it. i am a sad person. most would just say that im a pessimist, i say im a realist. and right now, things just dont seem good. they never do. I'm stressed, heartbroken and alone. the one thing that i've wanted the most in my life, i cant get. people just will never understand. i may be a guy, but all i want is just someone who loves me and i know i can rely on. i lost that person. and now i have to go back to being that sad person. i mean, what is there to be happy about for me? i seriously think im depressed. i find it extremely difficult to go to sleep, plus i wake up super early and i constantly just suddenly wake up in the middle of the night feeling like shit and not being able to go back to sleep. i never am happy. the only smile i give is a sad smile, so i dont hurt the person trying to make me happy. just cos im depressed, dosent mean that i have to make others feel like shit too,

I feel horrible

I just feel so horrible right now. I feel so fucking depressed, and thats making me lose a lot of sleep which causes me to be tired the next day. and with exams just around the corner, how the fuck am i suppose to study? i think i'm not gonna do well. this is a horrible time to feel this way. its like a fucking chain of horribleness. Depressed -> lose sleep -> tired and cant study -> feel more depressed -> lose more sleep. and the cycle just continues. fuck my life. i just really really wanna die. its not like as if that will affect anyone

Moving on

What choice do i have left? I mean, you have left me with no other choice. so then what else can i do? I thought we could have made this work. but you didnt even wanna try even though you started all of this. i dont blame you i guess. all i wanted to say was that i'm sorry i didnt turn out to be that perfect person that i'm sure you expected of me. i'm far from perfect. I have a lot of internal conflicts and emotional baggage. thanks for all the care you have showed me, and i wished you still did care. but obviously you've gotten sick of my problems. i dont blame you. i dont like being this way. i dont know why i am this way, but i am. all i ever wanted was someone who cared and loved me. thats why this hurts so much. To lose something that meant so much to me just hurts, and my emotional baggage isnt helping. It was great while it lasted, and just give me time. i will eventually go back to my previous state, before i met you. you've always wondered why i'm always so sad. well, i dont have the answer to that question. i just am i guess. Its not by choice, but with things like these constantly happening, how am i suppose to be happy. To me, the only thing that i have ever truly wanted was someone who care and loved me, so it just hits close to home. i dont have any other way to describe it. I'm just sorry it had to turn out this way and i'm sorry i'm not perfect and i couldnt make you happy. but you can't expect a sad person to make you happy....

The pain

Of course it was caused by her. Of course shes whats causing me to be like this. but I'm not gonna say it to her. i dont blame her. at least she didnt lie to me about it.

Hope things get better

"Thinking back to the old times

When you kept me up late at night
We used to mess around
Laugh and play, fuss and fight
I guess its too late, I'm dancing this dance alone
This chapters done, the story goes on."

I relate a lot to this song. As much as i am sad about it, i guess we have to move on. im not angry about it at all. just sad. we used to have so many good times. but then something changed and now its over. now it just seems like she doesnt bother anymore. maybe things will change, but either way, life goes on. and all i can do is hope for things to get better

The pain of rejection and a message to her

Well the day finally came. when she told me she no longer loved me. All the things that we had been through together, in the end, amounted to nothing. the girl who i gave my first kiss to, no longer loves me. the familiar pain of rejection is coming back. the last time i was this serious about a girl, i didn't talk much for the next 6 months after she said no. i have a feeling this will last even longer. things would have been different. i know it would have. Shit never goes my way. and this is just one of the countless examples of how it isnt going my way. fuck life. They always say that there are many fish in the sea and that you will always find someone better. but what they dont understand is that there was a reason you fell in love with that person that is telling you to find someone else. you dont want anybody else cos you want that person! the pain is coming back now and i'll just have to deal with it. i dont really have a choice. all the things that i did for her, all weren't recognized by her. i'm a guy, and guys have feelings too. and for most, just finding the special someone is enough to make them happy. but losing that person, is just as painful as if a loved one died. they say when guys cry, they are serious about the person. well, im not afraid to say that i cried twice for this special girl. the second time being while i write this.i was hoping she would be the first person who would be mine. she always told me that i needed to be happier, but with this kind of news, how am i suppose to be? i have to see her with another guy while my heart aches  and slowly weeps inside. i was more serious about this then i ever told her. but she will never find out now then. does she seriously think that i would go through all the effort i put in for her, for every girl? she is the first girl who i have ever cried for. i didnt even cry when my first crush rejected me, and yet i cry twice for her. looks like this year will be another lonely birthday. and i will have to go back to putting on a fake smile for everyone. in all honesty, i was never happy till i met her. and i will go back to being sad now that shes gone. if people ever see me with a smile, its usually just a mascaraed that i put on. and thats what i will have to go back to. she will never truly know how i feel anymore. but like i said last time, you cant expect me to be fine, and i dont expect her to care. i just wished she did. but evidently not anymore. If she ever does read this, i just want to tell her that she will always have a place in my heart. and i will always love you. you always wanted to know what was on my mind. well, now you know. this has been on my mind since the start. this is what i was worried about. i have always been worried about losing you. there are many feelings i just cant express right now. theres just so much pain. i wish we could have been together because things would have been different. Salvatore, i know your not gonna say it back anymore but for the last time, i love you and i'm sorry for wasting your time.

Questions and doubts

The feeling of being unsure really really sucks. especially when it comes down to the topic of love. In most cases where your attached to the person, you know for sure that the person loves you. but when your not attached, and you like someone, even if the person tells you that they like you back, your never 100% certain. and the feeling sucks. if only i didnt have to feel this way. Its not like i dont trust her, but how the hell can anyone feel secure knowing that the person also likes someone else? theres just so much conflict in my brain, plus being insecure about trusting people isnt helping me one bit at all. Trust has always been an issue ever since the incident. thats why if i find someone i trust, i tend to stick with them. but when i like the person i trust, and she likes me and another person, how am i going to feel secure at all? i just wanna die. seriously. this feeling fucking sucks. plus our relationship has changed so much. shes changed her attitude towards me. so thats where the doubts come in. i'm just not sure anymore. i cant ask her about it cos i will never be sure about the answer and i may never want to know the answer. hopefully she still does like me but i mean whats the point if i'm not the only one in her heart? She doesn't realize the things i do for her. and she thinks that i'm just clingy. maybe i am, but unless you've gone through what i have, you wouldnt understand. so why can't she just cut me some slack? Theres just more pain in my heart  then she can ever imagine and that i can ever express. i wished she would look at it from my point of view as to why i do things sometimes. then maybe should would understand. I love her, more then i can express. but just as the feelings started to grow, she changed and now i dont know if she loves me back anymore. FUCK MY LIFE. People may tell me to look at the other positive things happening in my life. but in all honesty, even if you look at the positive things, they do not outweigh the negative things. and it seems that recently, nothing but bad things have been happening. all these things contribute to my pain. i dont think i matter much to her anymore. i think if i just packed up my shit and just left one day without saying a thing, or if i just died suddenly, i dont think she will care very much and i dont think it will affect her. you can't expect me to be fine, and i'm not as much as i tell people i am. and i dont expect her to care, but i just wished she still did. Every time i message her, it always seem like i'm bothering her. so maybe i should just wait until she messages. i'm not gonna force her to entertain me, cos thats what it seems as though i've been doing. but if i dont message, it wont be like last time where she would message me everyday. if i dont message, i wont get any messages from her

sometimes, i just lie to myself

In situations like these, i just have to lie to myself to make me feel secure. i think i care too much. to the point where it just becomes unhealthy and i end up hurting myself. so now, i will just lie to myself and tell myself that things havent change since the first day we met.
I may never be as handsome as the others, i may never be as smart as the others and my personality may never be as nice as the others. but in the end, i am who i am. and if she doesnt like me because of who i am, then there is nothing i can do other then hope that she still loves me as much as the day when i found out

I hate myself so much

every time there is a problem, I always am the one who causes it with her. I hate myself for doing that. I dont mean to do it but sometimes its just hard for me cause i always over think and end up hurting the people around me and especially her. i really hate myself. sometimes i just think that its better for me just to be by myself forever and never talk to anyone so that i wont hurt anyone. but thats obviously not possible. Sometimes i just wish i wasnt alive or i wished i didnt have a brain so that i wouldnt be able to over think. Maybe i should just packup my things and move to a place where no one could find me and i would just live alone and die alone cos then i wouldnt be able to hurt anyone. Fuck my life.

My dreams and wishes

I know this may seem lame, but one wish that I have had for a long time was just to be able to hang out with the girl i love on my birthday and no one else. i thought my dream could have been fulfilled this year. I had finally found the perfect person and i thought that she would do it. but i guess not. i dont blame her, she has other commitments too. its just getting rejected is just harsh and painful. i dont blame her at all, but i just hope that maybe this year would have been a good one thanks to her. maybe her and i could do it sometime close to my Birthday. it would really make my year. I know this may seem like a foolish dream to have, but when you have trust issues thanks to your past, you learn to not expect much from anyone and that you just wanna find that special someone that you know you can trust and know that she will make you happy. I just hope that maybe something good will come on this birthday. i've had too many horrible ones before, and this is all i ask for. its not that difficult to fulfill. all i want is a date with her on my birthday or at least sometime close to my birthday. i already had it all planned out before i asked. and i guess that plan will just have to wait. we would have gone shopping, then ice skating. After that, some ice cream and a movie. after the movie, we would have dinner at a nice place and i would accompany her home after all thats done. maybe, she will be able to go, then i wouldn't feel this shitty about myself because getting rejected to go out on a date on your own birthday, isn't exactly the best feeling in the world. you just don't know how sad i was when she said no.... but i can't do much about it. all i can do right now is to continue to dream of it and wish it comes true.  Even though it would be on my birthday, i would still try to make her as happy as possible even though it is my special day. thats how much i wanted it. but i guess it was too good to become a reality. if you think that my dream is stupid, all i have to say is that guys have feelings too, and as much as we dont want to show it, we all just want to meet that special someone that you know you can do these things. and these things are what really make your life complete. if this does come to fruition, this would be better then any present that I could ever receive.