A part of me is missing

I dont know. something just doesnt feel the same about me. i dont know what it is. but it just feels that way. like a part of me is just gone or lost. these emotions are all not wanted right now. i just feel so lost. life and love cant be like this to me right now. i was getting over her and yet now why has it all suddenly come back? what triggered this sudden change? from my past experiences, i think i just want to be friends again. i dont know if i still love her. but she still has a place in my heart, like i promised, she was special to me. she was a good friend. but i guess the treatment she showed me in the start was a bit biased cos she loved me. even if we were friends now, i know we arent gonna be close or even good friends anymore. that thought is kinda sad, but theres nothing i can do about it. or is there? i dont know. in the past, whenever things like this happen to me, the girl always ends up telling my friends that i seem to be the one avoiding her. maybe it is the case. maybe i do subconsciously avoid the person that hurt me, or in these cases, break my heart. i dont know why i do it, but its just something i have noticed. i do miss talking to her, but what good is talking now? i will never be able to talk to her like i used to. and the girl i once knew would have just been a memory. it kinda already is a memory to me. its been so long since we spoke. a whole term has gone by with not a single real conversation. she used to put a smile on my face. even since the first day that i met her. and before all the feelings. getting a message from her every morning without fail. she kept me company for the boring two hour ride to school everyday and she kept me company during school. maybe i just wish for a message from her, out of the blue. i know its a long shot but who knows. i dont even know how im going to react if it does happen. i guess i should stop hoping, cos not everyone is the same. i most likely am nothing to her anymore and i will have to accept the fact and move on. forget her completely. the only problem is that, im not one to forget friends. so what am i to do?

Mind fucked

Every time i see her post things like that, it just makes me sad cos i know it isnt about me. its not like i want it to be about me. it just sucks to now know that i am nothing to her anymore. from being everything to being nothing. i dont even know what we are anymore, since i havent talked to her in months even though i see her almost everyday. are we friends? are we acquaintances? or are we just stranger again? i really dont know. but my guess is, that its as good as just saying that we are strangers again. someone i used to know. will we ever talk again? unlikely i think. i promised myself to just ignore it by the time i finish my first year. and by then if neither of us talk again and become friends once more, then we really will become strangers again. i think one of the biggest reasons why i cant move on is cos i have to read the shit she posts and it just always breaks my heart over and over again. like as if breaking my heart on my fucking birthday wasnt enough. just feel so mind fucked. its been far too long. fuck life

I feel guilty

When this term started, i knew i had to do well cause i didnt do too hot last semester. but when the time came to go back to school after a month long break, i was still in holiday mood. damn. now the term is up and im taking my common test. this whole term, i've been in holiday mood and havent gotten out of it. i feel so guilty. it has felt like my holidays never ended, and that i just had to go back to school for some extra classes.

I dont know what i want

I know that even if she did come back, i would say no. but why do i still feel this way about her? i need to get over it. its been 4 long months already. i think she probably thinks that i want to get back with her, when actually i dont. i would still say that i love her, but i just cant / wont get back with her. i know it wont happen. and i really dont want it to. but if i already knew what i would do, then why am i still thinking of her?

 i was talking to a close friend the other day about love. she said that shes was getting over this guy that she liked. it just seemed to contradict herself cause before she said that, she kept saying that she missed him and stuff like that. it just didnt seem like she really was getting over him. you might be asking yourself what relevance this has to the previous paragraph. well, its cos after she said she was getting over him, the next thing i said to her was " dont lie to yourself". cause we all do subconsciously. maybe im just lying to myself about still loving her. maybe deep down in my heart, i just want her back. my brain tells me one thing, and my heart tells me another. i know i shouldnt bother about her anymore, yet some times things bring me back to the same feelings i had for her, then i miss her. one thing i know i am lying to myself about is this new girl thats in my heart. i know i like her, and i keep telling myself that shes the only one in my heart currently, but deep down inside i know shes not alone down there. i do it to try to forget the past. this love has taken its toll on me. and with each passing day, it becomes more and more obvious. its just that no one has dared to outright say it to my face, but my friends have noticed. that i know for sure, cause they constantly give me hints like " you need someone new" or " i want to see you get someone you really like". i can see they care, but they dont know how to help me. i dont know how i can help myself either. this sucks.

i dont know what i want. but i know i want something. maybe this christmas will finally be the one where i get the gift i've wanted for a long time. it would be a perfect end to a rough year.

A random post.

Its been roughly 4 months since then. in all honesty, i dont think ive fully gotten over her yet. i think i still do love her. but its not the same as the past. and during these 4 months, i met someone new. she stole my heart within 4 days, and i have only ever talked to her once. i havent seen her in a month and yet i still think about her. now there are two in my heart. i know the old one shouldnt be there but she aint leaving. i feel so extremely mind fucked. i know it shouldnt be this way. but i cant seem to forget the past. i still do think about the past, the feelings we once shared and the moments we spent together. theres a war going inside of my heart. and im suppose to act like as if im fine and that everything is good. but in reality, only one person actually knows how i feel. that person is the same person that i met her through. things have definitively changed within these 4 months. i think i am generally a lot happier but i still aint that happy. i mean how can i be, when my heart is making me so confused and the words she spoke to me 4 months ago still ringing fresh in my mind and heart? i think what i need is just to talk to her. but i guess talking is too late. i dont know if she still reads this blog. i highly doubt it. i mean, she no longer has any reason to. to her, im probably just the same person i was at the start of poly, a stranger. that though is quite sad. a bit like the wong fu productions short called strangers again. i always feared that. but in reality, it happens to everyone. i miss her. and i cant tell her that.  she'd probably get the wrong idea anyway. i need help, but no one seems to be able to provide what i need. and i guess i dont even know what help i need, so how can you find something when you dont know what your looking for. whats there left now? can me and her still be friends? who knows. maybe i just dont want to know the answer to that just yet. all i know is that i miss her and i just want one normal conversation with her. sadly though, i know that aint gonna happen.