What do i mean to you now?

So what am i to her now? am i her friend? am i someone she used to love? or am i just somebody that she used to know? it just really bugs me. i dont know why it does but all i know is that it does.i mean im sure it would bug anybody. not knowing what you meant to someone. i mean, since we havent talked in so long, its become very unclear. like really. i cant say that i didnt put myself into this situation. i always knew that this would have happened, had i let it develop into something a lot more complicated. but this was one of the reasons why i did hesitate at the start. cos it was always a question of whether or not i wanted to take the risk of losing a friend. and obviously i took that risk. now all i want to know, is can i get that friend back

Why contradict yourself?

So i hear that she wants to talk to me. or at least thats what i heard last time. who knows why, but so far, we havent talked for a long time. i'd say not even a proper conversation in more then half a year already. i really cant tell what shes trying to tell me, if she is trying to tell me anything at all. cos every time she sits behind me in lecture, when i do turn back to talk to someone, and i just so happen to glance at her, she always seems to give me a very sad/ angry stare. maybe its neither of them, but thats just what it seems like to me. If she really did want to talk to me, why did she appear offline on facebook to me and unfollow me on twitter? its not that i have a problem with that but its just so contradictory. and if she really had to go to that extent to do all that? why not just unfriend me on facebook. then at least i would get a clearer message. then it would be clear what she was trying to say, and i would get the message. if she wanted to block me, then i would know that what ever amount of friendship we had left was dead. i would just leave her alone for good. and pretend like nothing ever happened between us at all, like as if we never spoke before, never talked, had lunch/dinner, loved each other and kissed. like as if we were two strangers who had never met before. is that what she wants? cos if it is, then i would oblige. i wont make it hard on her. no hard feelings. i'll give her a chance to walk away from this friendship, from me. these thoughts have been bugging me so much these past few months. i've gotten over her. thats for sure. the only thing i havent gotten over is losing a friend. its just not something im used to. i call only a few people my friends but this is the first time i may actually lose one. but its up to her. frankly, im getting sick of all this and it may soon be the last time i give a fuck anymore