Questions and doubts

The feeling of being unsure really really sucks. especially when it comes down to the topic of love. In most cases where your attached to the person, you know for sure that the person loves you. but when your not attached, and you like someone, even if the person tells you that they like you back, your never 100% certain. and the feeling sucks. if only i didnt have to feel this way. Its not like i dont trust her, but how the hell can anyone feel secure knowing that the person also likes someone else? theres just so much conflict in my brain, plus being insecure about trusting people isnt helping me one bit at all. Trust has always been an issue ever since the incident. thats why if i find someone i trust, i tend to stick with them. but when i like the person i trust, and she likes me and another person, how am i going to feel secure at all? i just wanna die. seriously. this feeling fucking sucks. plus our relationship has changed so much. shes changed her attitude towards me. so thats where the doubts come in. i'm just not sure anymore. i cant ask her about it cos i will never be sure about the answer and i may never want to know the answer. hopefully she still does like me but i mean whats the point if i'm not the only one in her heart? She doesn't realize the things i do for her. and she thinks that i'm just clingy. maybe i am, but unless you've gone through what i have, you wouldnt understand. so why can't she just cut me some slack? Theres just more pain in my heart  then she can ever imagine and that i can ever express. i wished she would look at it from my point of view as to why i do things sometimes. then maybe should would understand. I love her, more then i can express. but just as the feelings started to grow, she changed and now i dont know if she loves me back anymore. FUCK MY LIFE. People may tell me to look at the other positive things happening in my life. but in all honesty, even if you look at the positive things, they do not outweigh the negative things. and it seems that recently, nothing but bad things have been happening. all these things contribute to my pain. i dont think i matter much to her anymore. i think if i just packed up my shit and just left one day without saying a thing, or if i just died suddenly, i dont think she will care very much and i dont think it will affect her. you can't expect me to be fine, and i'm not as much as i tell people i am. and i dont expect her to care, but i just wished she still did. Every time i message her, it always seem like i'm bothering her. so maybe i should just wait until she messages. i'm not gonna force her to entertain me, cos thats what it seems as though i've been doing. but if i dont message, it wont be like last time where she would message me everyday. if i dont message, i wont get any messages from her